toldailytopic: Shacking up. Is it wise for a couple to live together prior to marriag

[Nathon Detroit]

The TheologyOnline.com TOPIC OF THE DAY for December 9th, 2011 12:51 PM

toldailytopic: Shacking up. Is it wise for a couple to live together prior to marriage?

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[Coffee is King]

No. I speak from experience.

 

[ghost]

No, it is not profitable to live together before marriage, and it is not profitable to get married because you want to live together.

 

[zippy2006]

nay

 

[Granite]

I'd say so, yes.

 

[Coffee is King]

No, it is not profitable to live together before marriage, and it is not profitable to get married because you want to live together.

Great way to put it.

 

[Coffee is King]

I'd say so, yes.

Why do you say that?

 

[Granite]

Why do you say that?

I just think it's prudent. Especially if you've never lived with someone before. Co-habiting is certainly an adjustment, and you see a different side of the person that you really wouldn't be exposed to otherwise. Marriage doesn't need to be a complete upending of two lives. There's no harm in getting used to the reality of living together, combining goods, schedules, routines, pets, vices, and other quirks, and just adjusting to one another's habits.

To say nothing of the fact that it's convenient and makes perfect sense--why wouldn't two people in love live together?

 

[Coffee is King]

I just think it's prudent. Especially if you've never lived with someone before. Co-habiting is certainly an adjustment, and you see a different side of the person that you really wouldn't be exposed to otherwise. Marriage doesn't need to be a complete upending of two lives. There's no harm in getting used to the reality of living together, combining goods, schedules, routines, pets, vices, and other quirks, and just adjusting to one another's habits.

To say nothing of the fact that it's convenient and makes perfect sense--why wouldn't two people in love live together?

I can see your side of the argument, I really can. I used to share the same views (btw, my current view is not based on my faith).

My ex and I lived together for roughly a year before we got married. I'll admit, it was an adjustment period. Learning more and more about each other. However, our marriage ended the same, she had an affair. That's the kind of person she is, but she never gave that away while we were "shacking up". Her true personality came out after we got married. Whether we "shacked up" or not, she is still the same kind of person. Living together prior to marriage or not wouldn't have changed that.

My Mom has lived with men before marrying them, all ending in divorce. My father and step-mother have been married for 22 years, and they did not live together before marriage. I've seen these scenarios many times over. I'm not going to tell someone not to "shack up". I don't agree with it, but it's not my business. I'm not the one living with them.

My advice is get to know the person better for a good period of time before even thinking about marriage. Marriage is a huge step and it's life altering (I've seen in other posts that you are married, so I know I'm preaching to the choir). Living together is also a huge step, but as seen with the ex, people can change abruptly after the marriage is official, but be a totally different person when just "shacking up".

 

[Granite]

I can see your side of the argument, I really can. I used to share the same views (btw, my current view is not based on my faith).

My ex and I lived together for roughly a year before we got married. I'll admit, it was an adjustment period. Learning more and more about each other. However, our marriage ended the same, she had an affair. That's the kind of person she is, but she never gave that away while we were "shacking up". Her true personality came out after we got married. Whether we "shacked up" or not, she is still the same kind of person. Living together prior to marriage or not wouldn't have changed that.

My Mom has lived with men before marrying them, all ending in divorce. My father and step-mother have been married for 22 years, and they did not live together before marriage. I've seen these scenarios many times over. I'm not going to tell someone not to "shack up". I don't agree with it, but it's not my business. I'm not the one living with them.

My advice is get to know the person better for a good period of time before even thinking about marriage. Marriage is a huge step and it's life altering (I've seen in other posts that you are married, so I know I'm preaching to the choir). Living together is also a huge step, but as seen with the ex, people can change abruptly after the marriage is official, but be a totally different person when just "shacking up".

I think it boils down to this--we can think we know someone, and often we're surprised. Every situation is going to be different for every couple (including the before and after). I agree that often a person transforms after marriage when the reality of the situation comes home. Still, I think a huge step towards getting to know someone better is to live together, see them every day, and get a better sense for how the daily dynamic between the two is going to work.

 

[ghost]

Coffee, it's best sometimes not to engage those who have no other purpose in life but to turn you away from the truth.

 

[sky.]

I'd say so, yes.

It's not the best way but God can make it work and so do people even without God.

 

[Quincy]

No. I speak from experience.

I agree, have experienced it also. I used to think it was ok and wise but yea. Now, unless she wants sign on the dotted line, a lady is just a friend I go out with.

 

[aCultureWarrior]

...and it is not profitable to get married because you want to live together.

So in essence it's not wise to marry someone because you want to spend the rest of your lives together and have a family living under one roof? (If you're trying to say that if they lack a spiritual common denominator, then I'll agree to a certain extent, but even non-believers can have a long lasting relationship).

 

[aCultureWarrior]

I can see your side of the argument, I really can.

I can't. If you want a roommate, get one. If you want a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, then date and get to know them (it doesn't matter if they put the toilet paper on the spindle the opposite way you do, that's not what relationships are all about).

The problem with shack-ups, as we see in our current society, is that all too often "chillens" come along (check the abortion rate of non-married couples while you're at it, unmarried women are 6 times more likely than are married women to have an abortion).

As we've seen with multitudes of fatherless homes, without the structure of a state licensed marriage, daddy-o splits the scene when the going gets tough and leaves momma and the babies dependent upon the state to take care of them.

 

[Coffee is King]

I can't. If you want a roommate, get one. If you want a relationship with a member of the opposite sex, then date and get to know them (it doesn't matter if they put the toilet paper on the spindle the opposite way you do, that's not what relationships are all about).

The problem with shack-ups, as we see in our current society, is that all too often "chillens" come along (check the abortion rate of non-married couples while you're at it, unmarried women are 6 times more likely than are married women to have an abortion).

As we've seen with multitudes of fatherless homes, without the structure of a state licensed marriage, daddy-o splits the scene when the going gets tough and leaves momma and the babies dependent upon the state to take care of them.

I agree with just about everything in your post. The reason I can see his side/point is that it used to be mine. I remember how I used to think.

 

[Quincy]

My experience taught me that just because you truly believe you won't ever break up with this person, doesn't mean it won't happen. Usually any break up is a total mess, especially after spending a long time together. However if you both have a lot of stuff that you both bought or both have in your names, and you aren't married, then it can be a pain to undo that stuff without going through the proper divorce channels. In some ways, marriage protects you, you never really know what that other person will try to do to you in the end.

 

[MrRadish]

I've known plenty of couples who live together without having married - some of them don't have any intention of getting married, either. Obviously it depends on the couple, but I think it's probably a good idea for many people. Some couples would rather keep some distance, of course - I think in many ways I'd prefer the independence of living seperately - but for many, it's both a practical and a pleasurable option. Just so long as they aren't labouring under the impression that cohabiting is the same as being married, or, for that matter, that any romantic relationship that's ended by something other than death is a failure and that they'll definitely stay together forever.

But that's more related to the issue of psychologically healthy relationships, and not cohabitation.

Oh, and I actually sort of agree with ACW in the sense that cohabitation (and the activities that accompany it) can make accidental pregnancies quite a bit more likely, which isn't generally very nice for anyone. Really, though, all that means is that cohabiting couples should take extra care when sleeping with each other.

 

[Quincy]

I've known plenty of couples who live together without having married - some of them don't have any intention of getting married, either. Obviously it depends on the couple, but I think it's probably a good idea for many people. Some couples would rather keep some distance, of course - I think in many ways I'd prefer the independence of living seperately - but for many, it's both a practical and a pleasurable option. Just so long as they aren't labouring under the impression that cohabiting is the same as being married, or, for that matter, that any romantic relationship that's ended by something other than death is a failure and that they'll definitely stay together forever.

But that's more related to the issue of psychologically healthy relationships, and not cohabitation.

Oh, and I actually sort of agree with ACW in the sense that cohabitation (and the activities that accompany it) can make accidental pregnancies quite a bit more likely, which isn't generally very nice for anyone. Really, though, all that means is that cohabiting couples should take extra care when sleeping with each other.

Interesting post . Your first paragraph made me think of something. Some of my coworkers live with their significant other without being married. They treat it exactly like a marriage though in the sense that they give this other person a great deal of control over them without a signed and sealed commitment.

When I was younger, I thought a relationship was all about fuzzy feelings and all this romantic stuff. No contract needed, that stuff was for cell phones. That's part of it (the romantic stuff) but marriage is also a business deal.

 

[ghost]

So in essence it's not wise to marry someone because you want to spend the rest of your lives together and have a family living under one roof? (If you're trying to say that if they lack a spiritual common denominator, then I'll agree to a certain extent, but even non-believers can have a long lasting relationship).

I'm saying that it is not the reason to get married.