Granite,
You've got a lot of folks giving out advice about what you should do next.
You’ve got zakath pulling up in the atheist welcoming wagon. You’ve got Purex urging you to see God through the plurality of other religions (notwithstanding the fact that he doesn’t think you can know God, so if you did, per chance, see Him, you couldn’t know that you saw HIm, making the prospect of seeing Him mute in the first place), firechyld relativistically hoping you find what’s right for you and Wickwoman encouraging you to let go of the illusions.
Then you have those like OneEyedJack wisely urging you to not throw the baby out with the bathwater, you have Chelice urging you to go be alone for awhile and (great advice by the way) and wisdom from others like Cattyfan, Lighthouse and Sozo.
Could be confusing, if you weren’t already confused enough, right?
Well, as you probably already know, it is awful hard to tell sometimes what is real and what is illusion.
Peter denied Jesus three times, probably feeling disillusioned. John the Baptist had his moments of doubt probably feeling quite a bit disillusioned as well. I think if anyone can understand what they might have been feeling, to feels like to be abandoned by God, or even to doubt in a God, it is you, right now. You’ve gotten alone in solitude to seek God and feel as if you haven’t found Him, you’ve probably read “all the wrong books� and then felt guilty about reading them and then felt guilty about feeling guilty about reading them.
So you don't see God, and don't see how anyone would.
Blessed are those who have not seen and yet believe." (Jn 20:29)
Not knowing what it was like to grow up in church, I can’t imagine what it is like facing the prospect of leaving behind the religion you have grown up in. In one sense there is probably a sense of dread and fear and in another sense there is probably a sense of freedom.
So, basically, I don’t have a great deal of advice, just a couple of verse you might want to think about. You’ve got a myriad of voices to listen to. There are as many books substantiating the archeological evidence of the Old and New Testaments as there are books that point to the inconsistencies. There are as many resources pointing to the unique claims of Christ and Christianity as there are books that show the similarities with other world mythology. There are as many people who display the love of Christ who call themselves Christian as those who act hypocritically.
For example, I know of a guy whose whole church was formed from a neighborhood project to contribute to a local food bank. He didn’t set out to start a church, but after faithfully taking time out of his week to collect the food going door to door in his neighborhood people started asking questions. He started praying for those who asked questions, about the things in their life that they said he could pray about, and all of a sudden He has a church, meeting in his home.
Now, I’ll take you at your word that believing in Jesus hasn’t changed the lives of many of the people you know, but I know a whole neighborhood, and a great deal of grateful people in a town where there was no food bank but now there is enough to go around that were changed by one guy who believed in Jesus, and did it all for His glory.
If you don't personally know anyone who's faith in Christ has changed them, and the lives of others, maybe you should consider the option of being the first person you know who's faith did.
You can choose to listen to Cheliece or Zakath, you can choose to place your trust in the books your elder told you not to read or the countless other books that would contest the validity and accuracy of those books… You’ve got a lot of choices, but what you don’t have is the choice not to choose, for not choosing is to still a choice.
You may well have been brought to a point in your life where you are now at a crossroads and the only thing you can do at this point is
choose.
So, as Joshua said:
But if serving the LORD seems undesirable to you, then choose for yourselves this day whom you will serve, whether the gods your forefathers served beyond the River, or the gods of the Amorites, in whose land you are living. But as for me and my household, we will serve the LORD." (Joshua 24:15)
I hope you choose the Grace and Peace that can be found in Christ Jesus.