When I was around four years old, I heard of this guy that they threw in a cave. They dashed a big rock to keep Him there. This man wasn't batman, but He was the Man. Three days later appeared a rainbow, as that Man somehow escaped the cave. He was apparently the son of God.
Speaking of God, I use to play this game, around the age of around five years old. I would ponder about the parents of God. Those parents must have had parents, too. Ironically, since my dad's been Mormon, it turns out that they also believe that as man is, God once was, and as God is, man can become. They still believe God had parents, that those parents had parents, and so on, into a bottomless pit (Hell) of no beginning. Mormons apparently believe that there was no beginning. Religions or cults, starting early on, thousands of years ago, believe that there is no beginning, either, to everything, to this universe. For me, I was only five years old.
When I was around seven years old, I would hear people talk about how we are going to be angels when we die. I also saw a Shirley Temple film that had children up in Heaven, before they were born. The older people told them how fantastic it would be for them to visit earth for a little while in something we call life.
Around ten years old, I'd toss & turn at night sometimes, repeating the sinner's prayer to get saved, thinking, "What if I lost my salvation, or what if I didn't really get saved yet? What if I didn't say the prayer right, good enough, or what if I didn't believe hard enough, had faith enough, prayed enough, continued in a state of salvation, obedience, to keep salvation?"
Sometimes I forget that God is just, has wrath, vengeance, a hate for sin. I forget about the Old Testament, that God never changes. Other times, more importantly, I sometimes forget that God is also a God of love, grace, mercy, forgiveness, grace, compassion, as seen more often in the New Testament. I have gone back and forth in my beliefs, thoughts, feelings, patience, obedience, towards God, concerning God, and all that.
Early on, for all of my life, I'd hear people say that God is just like a man with a white beard, living in the cloud, yet living unaware of our problems, incapable of relating to our issues, our concerns, and unwilling to meet us in the middle to work out a deal for a reunion.
Most of life, I was unaware of how forgiving God really is. The older I get, the more rainbows I see, the more invisible rainbows, miracles, people, beautiful things, remarkable things, ordinary things, I'd see, the more lunalistical things I see, the more grace, mercy, kindness, compassion, that I see. I am starting to see that God doesn't give up on us. We'll give up us before He does. I am starting to see that Jesus is still alive, that God is not dead, that life is more than what I know or understand. I am starting to appreciate life more for what I do have, rather than complaining for what I don't have. I use to think that God was too far away from me to understand me. That He will only love me if I live a perfect life without sin. I am starting to appreciate relationships, with people, that I do have, instead of playing the victim, instead of worrying that I may never get married, or get a job, or get this, or get that, or what have you.
I use to think that I knew it all too, especially when it came to God, theology, starting especially when I was twelve years old, and also when I entered my three years of Bible College when I was nineteen years old. The older I get, the more I am willing to accept that I really don't know much about anything. The more I know, the more I know that I don't know, the more I don't know, the more I realize that there is more to know, the more I realize that I need to be open minded. I am more willing to keep an open mind now than I ever have been before. I am more willing to say, "I currently believe & think & feel & currently do this, & that, because of this & that, but I could be wrong about this or that, or what have you, but these are the things I believe for now because of these other things. I might be wrong. I don't know everything. But this is where I am right now." I couldn't use to be able to say those kinds of things before.
