Political satire

[Gary K]

I'm going to make this a political satire thread.

CNN Uncovers Evidence Hero Dog Sniffed Dozens Of Butts Back In College
October 28th, 2019

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U.S.—Everyone praised the classified "Hero Dog" for taking down ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi.
Everyone, that is, except CNN, who quickly searched through the dog's internet history and college yearbooks. Sure enough, CNN found a picture of the Hero Dog partying at obedience school. In the picture, the dog is seen sniffing a butt without consent.
"Oh yeah, good old [redacted]? He was nuts!" said one German Shepherd who attended Old Yaler Obedience School with the hero dog, according to a CNN report. "He was always sniffing any butt he could find. Cats, dogs, humans, you name it. He didn't have a preference. He identified as pansniffual."
Troubling reports from classmates indicate that the dog sniffed all these butts without consent. The dog wrote cryptic things in his college yearbook, apparently referring to different butt-sniffing maneuvers such as the Surprise Sniffarooski and the Canine's Triangle.

The dog has issued a statement: "I like butts. I've always liked butts. I still like butts, but I never sniff butts to the point of excess. Who's a good boy? I am."
Democrats immediately called for the dog to be court-martialed and for the death of Baghdadi to be overturned.

https://babylonbee.com/news/cnn-uncovers-evidence-hero-dog-sniffed-butts

 

[Gary K]

This one is one of my favorites. It just fits my sense of humor very well.

With Government Shut Down, Citizens Forced To Interfere In Their Own Lives
January 8th, 2019

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U.S.—With the government shutdown in effect, life has felt incomplete for many Americans. “Everything is just too easy—it’s boring,” said restaurant owner Gloria Morgan, “and I realized it’s because we’re missing an essential challenge in life: soulless bureaucrats posing arbitrary rules on us.”
One of the primary functions of the government is to ignorantly muck around in the business of others, but the shutdown has hampered that. Thus citizens have been forced to try to fill that void themselves. “Today I just suddenly decided large sodas weren’t allowed,” said Morgan. “It was an annoying, pointless obstacle the whole day—it was like the government was still around.”
“I arbitrarily decided I couldn’t use plastic bags in school lunches,” said Arlene Williams, mother of three. “It was really irritating to deal with. It really made me feel like there was still some bureaucrat out there not caring about me.”
Not everyone found it easy to take the government’s place, though. “I tried imposing random rules on myself, but it wasn’t the same,” said business owner Patrick Stanley. “The problem is I understand my business too well, so a lot of the rules actually made sense. I really need someone with no understanding of my company or economics making these rules, or it just doesn't feel right.

https://babylonbee.com/news/with-go...tizens-forced-to-interfere-in-their-own-lives

 

[Gary K]

Man Identifying As 6-Year-Old Crushes Game-Winning Homer In Tee-Ball Championship
June 6th, 2017

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AUBURN, CA—Local 36-year-old man Nate Ripley, who identifies as a six-year-old, “absolutely crushed” a game-winning homer at a local tee-ball game and won the championship for his team Monday evening, reports confirmed.
Ripley reportedly walked up to the plate in the bottom of the 6th, pointed his bat toward the left-field wall looming 130 feet in the distance, and let her rip, sending the ball rocketing over the fence and into a parking lot as the fans cheered and his coach yelled out, “Attaboy, Nate! Good job, bud!”
His team, the Lil’ Padres, attempted to hoist him up on their shoulders in celebration of their great victory over the favored Tiny Tigers, but were unable to pick up the large 230-pound man.
Ripley’s feat comes at the end of a momentous tee-ball season, in which the self-identified six-year-old absolutely shattered every record set prior to that point. With a 1.000 batting average, 52 home runs, and an incredible showing at first base, second base, shortstop, third base, and pitcher, the man is being called an inspiration to other six-year-olds everywhere.
“I’m just proud to be here with my team. It’s all for the love of the game,” an emotional Ripley told reporters while enjoying an orange slice and juice box after the championship. “I couldn’t have done it without my team.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/man-ide...shes-game-winning-homer-tee-ball-championship

 

[Gary K]

Obama Canceled After Activists Dig Up Old Presidential Campaign Where He Opposed Gay Marriage
October 31st, 2019

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CHICAGO, IL—Former President Barack Obama caused a stir while speaking at a summit in Chicago. He called out “cancel culture,” telling people that doing things like being “judgmental” and “casting stones” wasn’t helping anyone and was just causing further divisions.
This caused immediate outrage from the left. “So now he doesn’t want us judging NAZIS?!” exclaimed progressive activist Lucia James. Now knowing that Obama is a nazi-sympathizer, activists dug into Obama’s past for other evidence of alt-right sympathies and soon made public a discovery: Back in 2007 and 2008, Obama ran a presidential campaign in which he opposed gay marriage.
Obama at first denied the allegation that he said these things over a decade ago, but when confronted with the evidence admitted he had run as a presidential candidate who opposed gay marriage. He claimed he has now learned his lesson and asked for forgiveness.
Left-wing activists say, “Absolutely not.”
“Forgiving that homophobe would be an insult to all the oppressed people who got oppressed,” said online commentator Austin Cross. Activists say that instead of forgiving him, they will cancel him and also hunt down anyone who voted for the homophobe Obama in 2008 so that they as well can be cast into the outer darkness away from the light of wokeness, where there will be “wailing and gnashing of teeth,” though occasionally you get to “enjoy a joke from Dave Chappelle.”

https://babylonbee.com/news/obama-c...up-old-campaign-where-he-opposed-gay-marriage

 

[Gary K]

More Californians Forced To Run Extension Cords To Neighboring States
October 30th, 2019

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CALIFORNIA—Deprived of luxuries like power and freedom, more and more Californians are being forced to run extension cords over to their neighbors in adjacent states.
A caravan of migrant Californians was seen traversing the deserts separating the state from its eastern neighbors, towing hundreds of miles' worth of extension cords.
Californians knocked on random Nevada and Arizona residents' doors and asked if they could borrow some power to charge their cellphones, power their espresso machines, and run their tanning beds. They were surprised to discover how nice people were in other states, saying things like, "Sure, neighbor!" and "No problem. Do you want to borrow any guns or cactuses?"
Unfortunately, the increased power demand caused the power grids in Arizona and Nevada to get knocked out, so they had to run extension cords over to New Mexico and Utah, respectively. Then their power got knocked out, and their neighbors' power, and so on and so on until all the states on the East Coast were forced to run extension cords over to Europe, but they were electrocuted to death because of the water hazard.
Californians are now looking for an alternative energy source, such as rubbing balloons on hipsters' beards.

https://babylonbee.com/news/more-californians-forced-to-run-extension-cords-to-neighboring-states

 

[Jerry Shugart]

I can't stop laughing!

 

[Gary K]

I can't stop laughing!

I had never run across the Babylon Bee website until a couple of days ago. The entire site is this kind of satire and I have already spent quite a few hours laughing at their humor. A very good site.

 

[Gary K]

Here's another one for the Californians among us. You know, that foreign country on the left coast.

California Begins Issuing $1000 Fine For Each Tiny Plastic Communion Cup Served
September 19th, 2018

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SACRAMENTO, CA—In a special press conference called Wednesday, the governor of California proudly announced the passing of brand new legislation that will allow the state to begin issuing fines on churches for each little plastic cup served during the Lord’s Supper.
The legislation forms a new Communion Enforcement Unit, which will visit churches undercover and fine pastors for every little plastic cup they serve in Communion.
“Once again, California shows itself to be at the forefront of both environmental and religious issues with the passing of this legislation,” Governor Newsom said as cameras flashed. “Other states are always playing catch-up with our fantastic laws as we move forward.”
Newsom suggested that churches instead use one communal cup, a low-impact Starbucks coffee cup, or just pour the wine or juice into one large trough for easy access for all parishioners. “The time for common-sense Communion reform is now, and we’re happy to be pioneers on this issue.”
The governor also hinted that the Legislature may be close to passing fines on credobaptist churches for wasting so much water on immersion when pouring or sprinkling would do just fine.

 

[Gary K]

I wouldn't want AB to feel left out, so I'll post a little satire about the Brits. AB ought to love it as all Brits are self-confessed lovers of satire. This also demonstrates how AB was absolutely correct in saying there is no discrimination against Christians.....

Rejects America's Gracious Attempt To Introduce Them To Good Food October 21st, 2019

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SMALL UNCULTURED ISLAND IN THE ATLANTIC—A previously unexplored small island of uncultured savages in the Atlantic has rejected American missionaries' attempts to introduce them to good food.
Missionaries attempted to build a Chick-fil-A in the unfriendly wildlands of the island, but the savages protested and chased them off with pointy objects, which were then confiscated by what seemed to be a sort of primitive police force.
"We attempted to make contact with the locals, putting out Chick-fil-A sandwiches on the ground and gesturing toward them, saying, 'You eat good food,'" said one missionary. "Sadly, they just threw bricks at us and called us hateful." The natives then went back to eating a pie with fish heads sticking out of it, a barbaric dish they somehow think of as food.
The uncivilized brutes have not experienced cultured food before and as such eat things like mince pies, jellied eels, and black pudding. Their best dish, fish and chips, is just fish and fries, but the poor savages don't know that these "chips" are actually called fries. Chick-fil-A missionaries attempted to communicate with them, pointing at the waffle fries and saying, "FRIIIIES" slowly. But the natives simply looked on in confusion and said, "No, mate, those are chips," which roughly translates to, "I am an uncultured swine."
The savages also sadly cannot spell, adding "u" to a bunch of words.
Chick-fil-A aid workers said that though they were chased off, they are still praying for the conversion of the natives and say it is their pleasure to spread the gospel of normal human food to unreached peoples no matter the personal cost.

https://babylonbee.com/news/small-i...QZNc9ClZUZxmaHPSXYLDNLziGCCJpQzKBVbwt1K0In2f0

 

[Arthur Brain]

I wouldn't want AB to feel left out, so I'll post a little satire about the Brits. AB ought to love it as all Brits are self-confessed lovers of satire. This also demonstrates how AB was absolutely correct in saying there is no discrimination against Christians.....



https://babylonbee.com/news/small-i...QZNc9ClZUZxmaHPSXYLDNLziGCCJpQzKBVbwt1K0In2f0

There's nowt wrong with pie and chips...fries...no, chips! Also, the letter "U" is sacrosanct...

 

[quip]

I'm going to make this a political satire thread.

“This is a sad day for America, and a sad day for the world,” remarked a teary-eyed President Obama in an emergency press conference from the White House. “Look,” he continued, “news satire has a long, storied history as an important and effective tool for articulating a specific brand of worldview: far-left, anti-religion, naturalist, nihilist—in a word, reasonable. The very idea of Christian satire is an outrage and has no place in our society, or among civilized people anywhere.”

After a brief pause to gather himself, the President continued, “Are we really OK living in a world in which some Christian version of The Onion freely publishes Christ-centered news satire? There are even reports that The Babylon Bee already has a roster of talented contributors.”

“They also have a presence on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram,” he added. “This is totally unacceptable.”

Nobody from The Babylon Bee could be reached for comment, as they were reportedly too busy working hard to be Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.

 

[ok doser]

that was pretty good :thumb:


but you're still a jerk

 

[Gary K]

“This is a sad day for America, and a sad day for the world,” remarked a teary-eyed President Obama in an emergency press conference from the White House. “Look,” he continued, “news satire has a long, storied history as an important and effective tool for articulating a specific brand of worldview: far-left, anti-religion, naturalist, nihilist—in a word, reasonable. The very idea of Christian satire is an outrage and has no place in our society, or among civilized people anywhere.”

After a brief pause to gather himself, the President continued, “Are we really OK living in a world in which some Christian version of The Onion freely publishes Christ-centered news satire? There are even reports that The Babylon Bee already has a roster of talented contributors.”

“They also have a presence on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram,” he added. “This is totally unacceptable.”

Nobody from The Babylon Bee could be reached for comment, as they were reportedly too busy working hard to be Your Trusted Source For Christian News Satire.

The Bible shows prophets using satire. Prophets whom God used in mighty ways and answered their prayers.

1Kings 18:[SIZE=+1]26[/SIZE] And they took the bullock which was given them, and they dressed it, and called on the name of Baal from morning even until noon, saying, O Baal, hear us. But there was no voice, nor any that answered. And they leaped upon the altar which was made.
[SIZE=+1]27[/SIZE] And it came to pass at noon, that Elijah mocked them, and said, Cry aloud: for he is a god; either he is talking, or he is pursuing, or he is in a journey, or peradventure he sleepeth, and must be awaked.
[SIZE=+1]28[/SIZE] And they cried aloud, and cut themselves after their manner with knives and lancets, till the blood gushed out upon them.
[SIZE=+1]29[/SIZE] And it came to pass, when midday was past, and they prophesied until the timeof the offering of the evening sacrifice, that there was neither voice, nor any to answer, nor any that regarded.

And here is what else the Bible says about John the Baptist.

[SIZE=+1]15[/SIZE] For he shall be great in the sight of the Lord, and shall drink neither wine nor strong drink; and he shall be filled with the Holy Ghost, even from his mother’s womb.
[SIZE=+1]16[/SIZE] And many of the children of Israel shall he turn to the Lord their God.
[SIZE=+1]17[/SIZE] And he shall go before him in the spirit and power of Elias, to turn the hearts of the fathers to the children, and the disobedient to the wisdom of the just; to make ready a people prepared for the Lord.
[SIZE=+1]18[/SIZE] And Zacharias said unto the angel, Whereby shall I know this? for I am an old man, and my wife well stricken in years.

Look at that. The man who was to come in the spirit and power of Elijah had as miraculous a birth as Isaac. Both sets of parents being long past the age of having a child. Think about that. It is God's stamp of approval on Elijah's use of mockery, i.e. satire.

So, your condemnation of Christian satire falls entirely flat. All it demonstrates is your ignorance of the Bible.

 

[quip]

The Bible shows prophets using satire. Prophets whom God used in mighty ways and answered their prayers.



And here is what else the Bible says about John the Baptist.



Look at that. The man who was to come in the spirit and power of Elijah had as miraculous a birth as Isaac. Both sets of parents being long past the age of having a child. Think about that. It is God's stamp of approval on Elijah's use of mockery, i.e. satire.

So, your condemnation of Christian satire falls entirely flat. All it demonstrates is your ignorance of the Bible.

Some left-field theology....or just a dull rejoinder?

 

[Poly]

Gotta love the B.