A little over three months ago, I began a terrifying journey - a journey that is only now coming to an end. What is really frightening, though, is that I am not the only one who has had a similar experience. I have read many stories from others who are still trying to recover after years of pain and suffering. Sadly, there are thousands of others who are being virtually poisoned by the very prescriptions they are trusting to make them better.
My “journey” began on September 10th as I was facing several difficult and stressful situations. My husband was facing possible neurosurgery for a neck injury, I was handling the books for a struggling family business, and foremost, I was anticipating a confrontation with someone I love. Even though I had carefully prepared for this confrontation, I was extremely nervous and jittery. Then, when I let the opportunity slip away from me, I felt terrible. I could hardly sleep that night, repeatedly waking with a gasp for air.
The next day, I ended up at the emergency room feeling extremely short of breath and dizzy. I was given an EKG, a chest x-ray, some blood tests, and a prescription for Ativan (also known as lorazepam - an anti-anxiety medication). The doctor told me that what I had experienced was an anxiety attack and that I should make an appointment with my doctor.
An anxiety attack! I had been through many stressful situations, but I had never reacted like this. I immediately got on the internet and started doing some research. Yep! The diagnosis seemed correct. Everything I read sounded exactly like what had happened to me. Well, I wasn’t going to let anxiety get the better of me. I began to teach myself coping techniques and vowed to put the whole episode behind me. After all, as Paul said, “…God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2Tim. 1:7
The Ativan my doctor had prescribed made me a bit sleepy, so I decided to look it up as well. Everything seemed okay. It didn’t appear to be addictive and had few side effects, so I continued taking it as prescribed. Still, I didn’t feel right. My body was overtaken by an uncontrollable trembling sensation and I began to feel more anxious than ever. A week later, after the prescription had run out, I returned to my doctor feeling miserable. He asked me a few questions, suggested I call “mental health” and quickly refilled my prescription with a stronger dosage.
Feeling uneasy about the increased dosage, I obtained a pill splitter and began cutting the tablets in half. But as the days progressed, I felt as though I was barely hanging on to my sanity. My hair had begun to fall out in clumps whenever I showered, I couldn’t think straight, and I no longer felt like myself. It was as though I’d left my true personality behind on that fateful September day. I began to see two stages of my life, the “pre-anxiety me” and the “post-anxiety me”. I wanted desperately to return to my former self but everything seemed foggy and incoherent. I wondered how someone could suddenly just lose them self, as it seemed had happened to me.
A month and a half went by, and still I was struggling with the anti-anxiety techniques I’d learned. These did help get me through each day, but just barely. I wasn’t just anxious; I was lost. I prayed to God for some insight into what was going on, when a thought occurred to me. Perhaps my body was reacting this way due to a physical problem. I did a search for physical ailments that can cause panic attacks and found a list of possibilities. One was anemia. I had been anemic in the past, so perhaps that was what was wrong now. I wasted no time in getting an appointment to have a blood test the following Monday.
Before Monday came, the prescription for Ativan ran out. I had tapered off of it until I was only taking half a tablet before bed, so I figured it was a good time to try and cope without it. But over the next two days, my life really fell apart. I found all I could do was curl up on the couch, trembling and wishing for death. I began to consider my husband’s gun as a way out, but the thought terrified the tiny bit of sanity I had left. I immediately asked my husband to take me to after-hours care.
As soon as the doctor saw me, she suspected that I had a thyroid problem. After a fairly thorough exam, she was even more convinced. She ordered blood tests, re-prescribed the Ativan and sent me on my way. While I still felt quite sick, I was relieved that maybe I was finally getting to the bottom of things.
The blood test confirmed the doctor’s suspicions and I was given a prescription for levothyroxine, a thyroid replacement medication. Within a week, I began to notice an increase in my energy level. The pieces seemed to be falling into place. I now understood why I had become so breathless under the initial stress of my prospective confrontation. Soon I would be back to my old self! Or so I thought. While my energy was indeed returning, my thinking was as cloudy and disturbed as ever.
One night, while visiting with family, I was feeling especially ill. I turned to look at my 14 year-old-daughter and had to turn away. She didn’t look right to me and I couldn’t bear to see her in such a distorted way. Suddenly my 11 year-old-son entered the room and I was filled with the same disturbed thought. I wanted to scream in agony.
I was supposed to be getting better, not worse. Now I was really afraid that I was losing my mind. Nothing seemed the same to me. Certain sounds, being touched, different sights all produced agonizing sensations. One night, while dining with my family in one of our favorite restaurants, I caught sight of an elderly woman’s blue and gold jacket. The sight of it made me feel sick inside and I couldn’t look at it. At times I felt utterly cut off from God, even though I knew intellectually that this was not true.
I scoured internet sites concerning hypothyroidism looking for answers, but nothing compared to what I was experiencing. I even looked up “nervous breakdown,” but to no avail. I cried out to God to help me unlock this terrible mystery. He immediately answered my plea. I felt compelled to reconsider the Ativan that I thought had been helping me. I decided to stop, cold turkey on November 1st.
For four days I felt horrible. While cleaning my house, I nearly flew into a state of rage. I picked up my sons toy pistol and held it to my head to see what it would feel like if I were to really do such a thing. With trembling hands, I slowly set it down and fell to my knees in tears. I wasn’t really sure what was happening, but I decided it must be some kind of withdrawal symptom. I decided to renew my research into Ativan and what I found shocked me.
I remembered that Ativan was in the family of benzodiazepines. I typed “benzodiazepine withdrawal” into the search engine, and what popped up before me were countless stories of people just like me who had nearly lost everything because of this family of drugs. Some called it a monster, others called it evil. Some were so afraid of this drug that they were considering wearing bracelets to warn medical personnel against giving them any form of this drug in the event of an emergency.
I discovered that some people have what is called a paradoxical reaction to benzodiazepines. This means that they react exactly opposite of the benefits this medication is supposed to produce. For example, instead of calming the anxious person, the drug actually produces anxiety. This can also occur from what is called a "rebound effect" as the user begins to experience withdrawal between doses. Had I known that such things were possible, perhaps I would have been spared a month and a half of suffering.
One of the more disconcerting things I learned was that this drug is stored in fat cells and can take some time to completely leave the system. I joined a forum for people who have done battle with benzodiazepines and came in contact with many people who are still dealing with withdrawal symptoms after years of being off the medication.
About a week after being Ativan free, a strange thing happened. I was watching the news when suddenly I realized the colors were brighter and the sounds were clearer than they had been in weeks. I was filled with a joy that I had forgotten I could experience. A few weeks later, I laughed aloud when I caught myself humming a tune. That was something the “pre-anxiety me” always used to do!
While I continue to improve, I still must occasionally deal with the uncomfortable sensations associated with withdrawal. Just knowing that, in time, these feelings will completely subside helps me get through the bad days.
Many people have no idea that this drug is actually responsible for their continuing anxiety. I feel it’s important to get the word out to as many people as possible. Only after my experience did I learn that both my sister and my father were using benzodiazepines. Neither of them had any idea of the havoc these drugs can cause.
Here is a list of other benzodiazepines and some helpful websites in case you or someone you know is suffering from these drugs
Xanax (Alprazolam)
Valium (Diazepam)
Chlorazepate (Tranxene)
Ativan, Alzapam (Lorazepam)
Serax (Oxazepam)
Centrax (Prazepam)
Librium (Chlordiazepoxide)
Paxipam (Halazepam)
Halcion (Triazolam)
Klonopin (Clonazepam)
Dalmane, Durapam (Flurazepam)
Restoril, Razepam (Temazepam)
http://benzo.proboards12.com/index.cgi
http://www.breggin.com/bzbkexcerpt.html
http://www.benzo.org.uk/ashbzoc.htm
http://www.benzodiazepines.cc/paradoxical.htm
http://www.benzodiazepine.org/SymptomList.html#Anchor-__________-41675
http://www.stormloader.com/bettyf/
http://www.whale.to/drugs/cita.html
PS. The confrontation was a disaster, the business is still struggling, but most important, my husband has since had the surgery and is doing great!
My “journey” began on September 10th as I was facing several difficult and stressful situations. My husband was facing possible neurosurgery for a neck injury, I was handling the books for a struggling family business, and foremost, I was anticipating a confrontation with someone I love. Even though I had carefully prepared for this confrontation, I was extremely nervous and jittery. Then, when I let the opportunity slip away from me, I felt terrible. I could hardly sleep that night, repeatedly waking with a gasp for air.
The next day, I ended up at the emergency room feeling extremely short of breath and dizzy. I was given an EKG, a chest x-ray, some blood tests, and a prescription for Ativan (also known as lorazepam - an anti-anxiety medication). The doctor told me that what I had experienced was an anxiety attack and that I should make an appointment with my doctor.
An anxiety attack! I had been through many stressful situations, but I had never reacted like this. I immediately got on the internet and started doing some research. Yep! The diagnosis seemed correct. Everything I read sounded exactly like what had happened to me. Well, I wasn’t going to let anxiety get the better of me. I began to teach myself coping techniques and vowed to put the whole episode behind me. After all, as Paul said, “…God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind.” 2Tim. 1:7
The Ativan my doctor had prescribed made me a bit sleepy, so I decided to look it up as well. Everything seemed okay. It didn’t appear to be addictive and had few side effects, so I continued taking it as prescribed. Still, I didn’t feel right. My body was overtaken by an uncontrollable trembling sensation and I began to feel more anxious than ever. A week later, after the prescription had run out, I returned to my doctor feeling miserable. He asked me a few questions, suggested I call “mental health” and quickly refilled my prescription with a stronger dosage.
Feeling uneasy about the increased dosage, I obtained a pill splitter and began cutting the tablets in half. But as the days progressed, I felt as though I was barely hanging on to my sanity. My hair had begun to fall out in clumps whenever I showered, I couldn’t think straight, and I no longer felt like myself. It was as though I’d left my true personality behind on that fateful September day. I began to see two stages of my life, the “pre-anxiety me” and the “post-anxiety me”. I wanted desperately to return to my former self but everything seemed foggy and incoherent. I wondered how someone could suddenly just lose them self, as it seemed had happened to me.
A month and a half went by, and still I was struggling with the anti-anxiety techniques I’d learned. These did help get me through each day, but just barely. I wasn’t just anxious; I was lost. I prayed to God for some insight into what was going on, when a thought occurred to me. Perhaps my body was reacting this way due to a physical problem. I did a search for physical ailments that can cause panic attacks and found a list of possibilities. One was anemia. I had been anemic in the past, so perhaps that was what was wrong now. I wasted no time in getting an appointment to have a blood test the following Monday.
Before Monday came, the prescription for Ativan ran out. I had tapered off of it until I was only taking half a tablet before bed, so I figured it was a good time to try and cope without it. But over the next two days, my life really fell apart. I found all I could do was curl up on the couch, trembling and wishing for death. I began to consider my husband’s gun as a way out, but the thought terrified the tiny bit of sanity I had left. I immediately asked my husband to take me to after-hours care.
As soon as the doctor saw me, she suspected that I had a thyroid problem. After a fairly thorough exam, she was even more convinced. She ordered blood tests, re-prescribed the Ativan and sent me on my way. While I still felt quite sick, I was relieved that maybe I was finally getting to the bottom of things.
The blood test confirmed the doctor’s suspicions and I was given a prescription for levothyroxine, a thyroid replacement medication. Within a week, I began to notice an increase in my energy level. The pieces seemed to be falling into place. I now understood why I had become so breathless under the initial stress of my prospective confrontation. Soon I would be back to my old self! Or so I thought. While my energy was indeed returning, my thinking was as cloudy and disturbed as ever.
One night, while visiting with family, I was feeling especially ill. I turned to look at my 14 year-old-daughter and had to turn away. She didn’t look right to me and I couldn’t bear to see her in such a distorted way. Suddenly my 11 year-old-son entered the room and I was filled with the same disturbed thought. I wanted to scream in agony.
I was supposed to be getting better, not worse. Now I was really afraid that I was losing my mind. Nothing seemed the same to me. Certain sounds, being touched, different sights all produced agonizing sensations. One night, while dining with my family in one of our favorite restaurants, I caught sight of an elderly woman’s blue and gold jacket. The sight of it made me feel sick inside and I couldn’t look at it. At times I felt utterly cut off from God, even though I knew intellectually that this was not true.
I scoured internet sites concerning hypothyroidism looking for answers, but nothing compared to what I was experiencing. I even looked up “nervous breakdown,” but to no avail. I cried out to God to help me unlock this terrible mystery. He immediately answered my plea. I felt compelled to reconsider the Ativan that I thought had been helping me. I decided to stop, cold turkey on November 1st.
For four days I felt horrible. While cleaning my house, I nearly flew into a state of rage. I picked up my sons toy pistol and held it to my head to see what it would feel like if I were to really do such a thing. With trembling hands, I slowly set it down and fell to my knees in tears. I wasn’t really sure what was happening, but I decided it must be some kind of withdrawal symptom. I decided to renew my research into Ativan and what I found shocked me.
I remembered that Ativan was in the family of benzodiazepines. I typed “benzodiazepine withdrawal” into the search engine, and what popped up before me were countless stories of people just like me who had nearly lost everything because of this family of drugs. Some called it a monster, others called it evil. Some were so afraid of this drug that they were considering wearing bracelets to warn medical personnel against giving them any form of this drug in the event of an emergency.
I discovered that some people have what is called a paradoxical reaction to benzodiazepines. This means that they react exactly opposite of the benefits this medication is supposed to produce. For example, instead of calming the anxious person, the drug actually produces anxiety. This can also occur from what is called a "rebound effect" as the user begins to experience withdrawal between doses. Had I known that such things were possible, perhaps I would have been spared a month and a half of suffering.
One of the more disconcerting things I learned was that this drug is stored in fat cells and can take some time to completely leave the system. I joined a forum for people who have done battle with benzodiazepines and came in contact with many people who are still dealing with withdrawal symptoms after years of being off the medication.
About a week after being Ativan free, a strange thing happened. I was watching the news when suddenly I realized the colors were brighter and the sounds were clearer than they had been in weeks. I was filled with a joy that I had forgotten I could experience. A few weeks later, I laughed aloud when I caught myself humming a tune. That was something the “pre-anxiety me” always used to do!
While I continue to improve, I still must occasionally deal with the uncomfortable sensations associated with withdrawal. Just knowing that, in time, these feelings will completely subside helps me get through the bad days.
Many people have no idea that this drug is actually responsible for their continuing anxiety. I feel it’s important to get the word out to as many people as possible. Only after my experience did I learn that both my sister and my father were using benzodiazepines. Neither of them had any idea of the havoc these drugs can cause.
Here is a list of other benzodiazepines and some helpful websites in case you or someone you know is suffering from these drugs
Xanax (Alprazolam)
Valium (Diazepam)
Chlorazepate (Tranxene)
Ativan, Alzapam (Lorazepam)
Serax (Oxazepam)
Centrax (Prazepam)
Librium (Chlordiazepoxide)
Paxipam (Halazepam)
Halcion (Triazolam)
Klonopin (Clonazepam)
Dalmane, Durapam (Flurazepam)
Restoril, Razepam (Temazepam)
http://benzo.proboards12.com/index.cgi
http://www.breggin.com/bzbkexcerpt.html
http://www.benzo.org.uk/ashbzoc.htm
http://www.benzodiazepines.cc/paradoxical.htm
http://www.benzodiazepine.org/SymptomList.html#Anchor-__________-41675
http://www.stormloader.com/bettyf/
http://www.whale.to/drugs/cita.html
PS. The confrontation was a disaster, the business is still struggling, but most important, my husband has since had the surgery and is doing great!
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